The Four Tendencies
Gretchen Rubin is a writer who is fascinated by human nature. She is very accomplished having written many bestselling books (The Happiness Project, Happier at Home, Better Than Before, The Four Tendencies, Outer Order, Inner Calm) on the subject. She has a podcast and an app all intended to help people understand themselves and create a happier life. I intend to consume more of what she’s putting out there. I came across her on Jay Shetty’s podcast where they discuss how understanding your habits allows you to thrive in work, love and life. In the episode, she mentioned that she has a quiz on her website that helps explain how we respond to expectations. It’s called the Four Tendencies Quiz which is also the title of one of her books. I decided to take the quiz to see how informative it was and whether it helped me gauge how I react to expectations and what changes I can make to better suit my tendency.
Upholders - want to know what should be done
The first is the Upholder and this is the rarest of the four tendencies. They can be relied upon by others, and they can rely on themselves. They’re self-directed and have little trouble meeting commitments. They value understanding rules and have a strong instinct for self-preservation, which protects them from burnout.
They do struggle with unclear expectations and tend to feel compelled to meet pointless expectations. They also feel uneasy when they’re not following the rules or have to change plans at the last minute. They can come across as rigid.
Upholders understand the importance of habits and tend to find them gratifying. Even so, they still struggle to form habits at times, which shows just how tricky it can be to form them. Even those who value them still need to put in the time and effort to form meaningful habits.
Questioners - want justifications
Questioners question all expectations, and they only respond to those expectations that make sense to them. This basically means that they meet all inner expectations because they’ve rationalised their reasons for doing something and what they can expect of themselves. They decide for themselves whether a course of action is a good idea, and they resist doing anything that seems to lack purpose. They want to come to their own conclusions and are often willing to do extensive research. They usually take direction only from people they respect.
Most requests of questioners need to be backed up by justification. People may feel overwhelmed by a Questioners' relentless drive for information, and they can often be perceived as disrespectful, defiant or undermining. Skilful questioners can ask questions in a constructive way. Ironically, they don’t like being questioned because they feel they’ve already considered their actions carefully.
“Questioners sometimes suffer “analysis-paralysis” when they find it difficult to make a decision or move forward because they keep wanting more and more information. They can manage analysis-paralysis with strategies such as setting deadlines, establishing limits, or consulting trusted authorities.”
Obligers - need accountability
Obligers easily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectations. They’re guided by external accountability, and this is the most common tendency out of the four. Obligers are great at meeting deadlines and go to great lengths to meet their responsibilities. Others can rely on them, but they struggle to do things for themselves.
They are so reliant on eternal accountability that they need to set up external accountability to do things for themselves. This could mean getting a personal trainer or partner at the gym or joining a book club to read more. I think tricks like these are helpful for everyone, which goes to show that we have a bit of an Obliger in all of us. Another part of Obligers that many can relate to is struggling to say ‘no,’ and this can lead to burnout.
Rebels - want the freedom to do something their own way
Rebels are self-explanatory; they resist all expectations inner and outer. They value authenticity and self-determination highly and are able to achieve their goals if they do so in their own way. They don’t like doing what they’re “supposed” to do, but rather seek to live up to their own identity and values by doing what they choose to do.
This can frustrate others because they can’t be asked or told to do anything unless it matches their values and identity. Rebels resist control, even self-control, and usually enjoy flouting rules and expectations. They aren’t easily persuaded and can even end up doing the opposite of what you’d like them to do. This can make parenting tricky if your child is a Rebel.
“For the most part, they don’t respond well to supervision, advice, directions, reminders, nagging, or routines, or doing repetitive tasks. They prefer spontaneity to schedule. They may act as though the rules don’t apply to them.”
After doing the quiz, it turns out I’m a questioner. This makes sense as I’d say that I’m most like the questioner, but I think there’s a little piece of each of the traits in me. I think this would be the same for most people. I feel like I need external motivators to achieve some goals, I sometimes resist being told what to do and I meet some of my internal expectations too. This quiz does help you think more about the way you respond to external triggers and how you can better form habits depending on your tendency. But overall, I think we’re a combination of the four and we just need to try different ways to form habits and grow. We will continue to use the ones that work for us.